Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Coming Fast

We leave day after tomorrow.

We're heading out to meet up with the Environment Volunteer Training Group further north (and not too far from my site) and then we swear in on the 21st after that...

So I took my final/official language test today. I don't have the results yet, but I feel pretty confident. I wasn't all that worried because I know I'm above passing. There is a little bit of that competative thing in there though that I would like to do better than everyone else, but that's merely fleeting. Mostly I'm still just having this random isolated freak outs about the intensity of my job for the next two years and not so much worrying about the lack of amenities, but more so whether or not I have the force of personality and self-initiation to do the work well.

Ok so let me describe a little bit of the last couple of weeks. We just got back the other day from our final CBT session. It was emotional, as all of our host families were crying and most of the volunteers were as well. It wasn't emotional for my family though. I think I was the only one who didn't cry, and I think that is because I was already mentally at my next site and was ready to move on. It was kind of weird though that I wasn't as affected as everyone else. Moments like that make me wonder whether constantly leaving places for other places has built up a resistance to settling. I don't know... thoughts for another day.

We've been in the hotel now for a couple of days getting ready for the test and finishing up all of the last minute packing and stuff that we have left to do. The atmosphere is a little tense simply because all of us are stressed out and really want to vent in some way, but there is no way to get alone and there is no outlet for utter craziness that we would have in the States. The lamentable result of all of this is that some people have been taking that stress out on others. It's a natural human response and we should all be at the point where we would understand that and react accordingly, but we are all human. None of this is extreme, we just are all ready to begin the work we've been prepping for mentally, for some of us, up to 2 years.

The blog so far has been scattered thoughts put through the filter of a frustratingly sanitized training environment. I have the distinct feeling that when the isolation comes (ever so quickly) that these observations will become much more profound, potentially borne out of desperation. I don't know if I'm really communicating what I want to say, but I feel like I'm seeing things and feeling things with a certain immaturity that is going to be violently stripped away... potentially to quick for my comfort, but I guess it never is comfortable.

Several of the trainiees that I'm with and I have all remarked that the volunteers we meet that have been in country for a while all look so much older, but it's more than that. They look as if they've aged in ways that I don't understand. I haven't quite yet identified what I think that is so i don't really know how to explain it. It is strange to think that whatever it was that brought them to where they are will soon be a part of my experience as well. That's all future stuff though, it's just coming really fast.

Just so I'm not confusing you all... I think I need to end this by saying that I love being here. This has already been pushing me in ways that I need to be pushed. I've met some amazing people, I'm having some amazing experiences, and I'm growing... oh and I get to do all of that in Morocco, so honestly... what's better?

1 comment:

texasinafrica said...

Hey, Samuel,

It does make you older, and it strips away your naivite, and it crushes your simple answers and solutions for intractable problems. It also makes you wiser, more humble, and, ultimately, the person you are meant to be. Hang in there, go well, and know that you are in our prayers back in Austin.